What I Thought I Wanted

Have you ever heard a song twenty times and not have it register or hit home until the thirtieth? This happened to me the other day. I was mowing the lawn and listening to Sara Groves when this song came on. I wasn't thinking very grateful thoughts at the moment and wallowing in some of the answers God had given me to some of the requests I'd made of Him. I was singing along with the lyrics to this song- all of the words- and finally realized what I was singing. So there on the lawn mower, I started to cry. God forgive me! I pleaded and proceeded to cry and listen to that song twenty more times while I was mowing. (I can only imagine what the neighbors were thinking!!)

Maybe this song will hit home with some of you or minister to you in some way, if not, then maybe you can use it to minister to someone else. I can't manage to find the actual music for it anywhere, but enjoy the lyrics and then listen to it on itunes or somewhere else in cyberspace!

What I Thought I Wanted

Tuxedo in the closet, gold band in a box

Two days before the altar she went and called the whole thing off

What he thought he wanted, what he got instead 

Leaves him broken and grateful

I passed understanding a long, long time ago

And the simple home of systems and answers we all know

What I thought I wanted, what I got instead 

Leaves me broken and somehow peaceful

I keep wanting You to be fair

But that's not what You said

I want certain answers to these prayers

But that's not what You said

When I get to Heaven, I want to go find Job

I want to ask a few hard questions, I want to know what he knows

About what it is he wanted and what he got instead

How to be broken yet, faithful

I keep wanting you to be fair

But that's not what you said

I want certain answers to these prayers

But that's not what you said

Staring at the water, like Aesop's foolish dog

I can't help but reflect on what it was I almost lost

What it is I wanted, what I got instead

Leaves me broken and grateful

I keep wanting you to be fair

But that's not what you said

I want certain answers to these prayers

But that's not what you said

I wanna be broken, peaceful, thankful, faithful

Simple as those words may be, tied in together they stabbed my foolish heart. I know that there are times when I pray for things and I say, "If it's Your will, Lord" but what I really mean is "O please, o please, o please give me what I want!" I am learning to be thankful for God's gentle "no" because He holds the whole painting, while I can only see the bit of color in front of me.